Through my PhD I use my body as a tool for thought. A case study. A testbed. Tonight I went out in Berlin, in a nice outfit. I try to look nice / smart all the time – even more consciously now. At CalArts, such complicated feelings about my body arose that it felt the preferable option to stay overweight, to allow myself to gain weight, loose touch with my body: that appendage below my head I carried around. But not now, in this inquiry. I want to be the impenetrable, tight, theory-hard body.
I guess Lacan would say I chose to be the object of desire. But I know from experience, sometimes we choose to be, and sometimes we choose not to be. Tonight, I thought I looked good. I was wearing a black dress with white dots from Oasis, cropped leggings, black 2-inch buckle shoes, turquoise raincoat. I fixed my face with eyeliner and red lipstick. Oh my word, I could feel eyes on me. I become so aware of the gaze in public. I mean, could they stop staring? I did not choose this! I am not an object for Neanderthals on public transport! I am the object so that I look together, to conceal the wobbly mess I am. I am the object to give myself an outline around myself, an edge I can see around myself in the mirror. I am the object because I am constructed in any case, so I might as well construct myself! I am the object because I feel better when I put myself together well. I am the object because this is my tool for thinking.